My Life is God's Plan

 I p icked up a book by Abbey Wedgeworth called    Held:31 Biblical Reflections on God's Comfort and Care in the Sorrow of Miscarriage. In the first few paragraphs of the first chapter she put into words my feelings so clearly I couldn't have said it better. " I've never been this close to death. It's literally inside of me. Where life should be." ..."Apart from dying ourselves, I'm not sure it's possible to experience death more persoanlly than to have it occur within us. When the experience of death is that personal, trite religious phrases and sympathy-card expressions become more difficult to utter and even more difficult to accept." How true this is and I had to have someone else state it for me to understand this is exactly how I feel. I have had two lives begin and end inside of my body and it is extremely difficult for me to wrap my head around that. It is also difficult for me to accept that 'it is part of God's plan'. I

"Through Him then, let us continually offer up a sacrifice of praise to God, that is the fruit of lips that give thanks to His name." Hebrews 13:15 NASB When I am angry. Let me drop it and praise God. Fearful. Praise God. Elated. Praise God. This is something I am learning as my days continue on without my twins. I need to sacrifice whatever I think is consuming me and praise God for it instead. Praise Him for being all knowing and all present. Because He understands things more than I ever will. He is right there with me in the nights when my heart is breaking and the tears flow down my cheeks. He is with me in the morning when I rise and pick my one year old up and pull him in close for a kiss. When I praise God in the midst of my pain I am doing it not because He needs it. He is shaping me to stop and wait on Him and just sit in His presence and wait for Him. I am asking Him to heal my broken heart, but if I do not stop and praise Him I am not truly giving my heart to Him.

I feel like I rushed things. Made them go by too quickly. I rushed through my induction. I rushed through holding my twins. I rushed a creamtion and funeral service. I rushed getting rid of all the things we had set aside for them.  And now I'm left standing here with only a memory of 16 weeks of my life. Where I complained of the pains of pregnancy when inside my twins were growing and thriving, until they weren't. I'm broken hearted and empty handed.  I want to rush my grief but it comes slowly in waves.  I don't want to rush to forget them.

As I sit here in the waiting room of my OB for my 6 week postpartum checkup I am sad. I should be 22 weeks pregnant. I should be planning a baby shower. The couple next to me has a beautiful baby boy that they are burping and I want so badly to be burping my babies. As the tears well up in my eyes I hope no one sees. I don't want to explain why I am crying in a room where so many couples come to have happy news. The muted cries from the back room are a reminder that I will never hear my babies cry. As much as I am saddened for my loss I am happy for them. They get all of the things I so desperately wish for, but will never have.  6 weeks ago was the worst day of my life thus far and as painful as it is. I feel stronger than I was 6 weeks ago. I feel closer to my God than I was 6 weeks ago. Pain and grief should bring us closer to Christ, because He alone can take the pain away.  -A

  Ezekiel Charles & Nehemiah Steven’s Birth Story June 27th, 2022 At our 16 week high risk maternal fetal medicine appointment we learned that Baby B had no heartbeat. While Baby A’s heartbeat was extremely low at 88 bpm. We were told that it was possible Twin to Twin transfusion and that Twin A would soon pass away. June 28th, 2022 In the early hours of the morning I woke up having a few contractions. That is when I knew Baby A was no longer living. We didn’t have our OB appointment until 3:30pm. So we went about our day and at 3:15pm we arrived for our ultrasound that confirmed both of our babies were now in Heaven. Luckily we were able to be induced the same evening. So we made arrangements for Angie and Eric to watch Sheamus and Nicolas and then we headed to the hospital.  Once we were checked in our nurse Missy gave us a rundown of what would happen. I would be given pills to help my cervix soften and labor to begin. I chose to go unmedicated because I wanted to ‘feel the pain

 When I found out I was pregnant I had a feeling this pregnancy was going to be different. But I had no idea just how different it would be. I found out I was pregnant April 14th, 2022. Confirmed it with another test on the 15th. Now these test were POSITIVE. I mean such a strong line I thought I was pretty far along. Because I had missed a period in March. And had not had one yet in April.  Well fast foward to April 19th I went in for my first OB oppointment and go back for the ultrasound. She starts to look around with the wand and says well there isn't just one baby there are babies. I have my mouth hanging wide open at this point because well BABIES. And I look over at my husband and behind his mask you can see him grinning from ear to ear. I looked at the screen and I said you're joking right? She says no (I would never joke about something like this. As she changes the number of fetus' from 1 to 2. Well that day the babies... still in shock by saying the 'ies'