My Life is God's Plan

Who would have thought no heartbeat, would have been said about two so sweet? You never got to know what earthly life would be. A mother's embrace, a father's kiss, is something you won't even miss. Jesus holds you now and in time I will too. The pain is still here after all these years. I think I see you two through my pouring tears. But my hope is in heaven above, where I will finally receive your wonderful love.

 Why Oh Lord have You given and then taken away? My heart turns to dust and crumbles. My mind fills with questions with no answers. My soul longs for love that is unreachable. Your strong hands hold me while my legs give out from under me. My womb is empty. I feel You in the quiet, but my tears will not cease. You hear me cry out, yet my heart remains broken. Peace  surrounds me, yet pain fills me. Hold me together Lord.

 I p icked up a book by Abbey Wedgeworth called    Held:31 Biblical Reflections on God's Comfort and Care in the Sorrow of Miscarriage. In the first few paragraphs of the first chapter she put into words my feelings so clearly I couldn't have said it better. " I've never been this close to death. It's literally inside of me. Where life should be." ..."Apart from dying ourselves, I'm not sure it's possible to experience death more persoanlly than to have it occur within us. When the experience of death is that personal, trite religious phrases and sympathy-card expressions become more difficult to utter and even more difficult to accept." How true this is and I had to have someone else state it for me to understand this is exactly how I feel. I have had two lives begin and end inside of my body and it is extremely difficult for me to wrap my head around that. It is also difficult for me to accept that 'it is part of God's plan'. I ...

"Through Him then, let us continually offer up a sacrifice of praise to God, that is the fruit of lips that give thanks to His name." Hebrews 13:15 NASB When I am angry. Let me drop it and praise God. Fearful. Praise God. Elated. Praise God. This is something I am learning as my days continue on without my twins. I need to sacrifice whatever I think is consuming me and praise God for it instead. Praise Him for being all knowing and all present. Because He understands things more than I ever will. He is right there with me in the nights when my heart is breaking and the tears flow down my cheeks. He is with me in the morning when I rise and pick my one year old up and pull him in close for a kiss. When I praise God in the midst of my pain I am doing it not because He needs it. He is shaping me to stop and wait on Him and just sit in His presence and wait for Him. I am asking Him to heal my broken heart, but if I do not stop and praise Him I am not truly giving my heart to Him....

I feel like I rushed things. Made them go by too quickly. I rushed through my induction. I rushed through holding my twins. I rushed a creamtion and funeral service. I rushed getting rid of all the things we had set aside for them.  And now I'm left standing here with only a memory of 16 weeks of my life. Where I complained of the pains of pregnancy when inside my twins were growing and thriving, until they weren't. I'm broken hearted and empty handed.  I want to rush my grief but it comes slowly in waves.  I don't want to rush to forget them.

As I sit here in the waiting room of my OB for my 6 week postpartum checkup I am sad. I should be 22 weeks pregnant. I should be planning a baby shower. The couple next to me has a beautiful baby boy that they are burping and I want so badly to be burping my babies. As the tears well up in my eyes I hope no one sees. I don't want to explain why I am crying in a room where so many couples come to have happy news. The muted cries from the back room are a reminder that I will never hear my babies cry. As much as I am saddened for my loss I am happy for them. They get all of the things I so desperately wish for, but will never have.  6 weeks ago was the worst day of my life thus far and as painful as it is. I feel stronger than I was 6 weeks ago. I feel closer to my God than I was 6 weeks ago. Pain and grief should bring us closer to Christ, because He alone can take the pain away.  -A