My Life is God's Plan

I feel like I rushed things. Made them go by too quickly. I rushed through my induction. I rushed through holding my twins. I rushed a creamtion and funeral service. I rushed getting rid of all the things we had set aside for them.  And now I'm left standing here with only a memory of 16 weeks of my life. Where I complained of the pains of pregnancy when inside my twins were growing and thriving, until they weren't. I'm broken hearted and empty handed.  I want to rush my grief but it comes slowly in waves.  I don't want to rush to forget them.

As I sit here in the waiting room of my OB for my 6 week postpartum checkup I am sad. I should be 22 weeks pregnant. I should be planning a baby shower. The couple next to me has a beautiful baby boy that they are burping and I want so badly to be burping my babies. As the tears well up in my eyes I hope no one sees. I don't want to explain why I am crying in a room where so many couples come to have happy news. The muted cries from the back room are a reminder that I will never hear my babies cry. As much as I am saddened for my loss I am happy for them. They get all of the things I so desperately wish for, but will never have.  6 weeks ago was the worst day of my life thus far and as painful as it is. I feel stronger than I was 6 weeks ago. I feel closer to my God than I was 6 weeks ago. Pain and grief should bring us closer to Christ, because He alone can take the pain away.  -A

  Ezekiel Charles & Nehemiah Steven’s Birth Story June 27th, 2022 At our 16 week high risk maternal fetal medicine appointment we learned that Baby B had no heartbeat. While Baby A’s heartbeat was extremely low at 88 bpm. We were told that it was possible Twin to Twin transfusion and that Twin A would soon pass away. June 28th, 2022 In the early hours of the morning I woke up having a few contractions. That is when I knew Baby A was no longer living. We didn’t have our OB appointment until 3:30pm. So we went about our day and at 3:15pm we arrived for our ultrasound that confirmed both of our babies were now in Heaven. Luckily we were able to be induced the same evening. So we made arrangements for Angie and Eric to watch Sheamus and Nicolas and then we headed to the hospital.  Once we were checked in our nurse Missy gave us a rundown of what would happen. I would be given pills to help my cervix soften and labor to begin. I chose to go unmedicated because I wanted to ‘feel the pain