Held

 I picked up a book by Abbey Wedgeworth called

  Held:31 Biblical Reflections on God's Comfort and Care in the Sorrow of Miscarriage.

In the first few paragraphs of the first chapter she put into words my feelings so clearly I couldn't have said it better.

" I've never been this close to death. It's literally inside of me. Where life should be."

..."Apart from dying ourselves, I'm not sure it's possible to experience death more persoanlly than to have it occur within us. When the experience of death is that personal, trite religious phrases and sympathy-card expressions become more difficult to utter and even more difficult to accept."

How true this is and I had to have someone else state it for me to understand this is exactly how I feel. I have had two lives begin and end inside of my body and it is extremely difficult for me to wrap my head around that. It is also difficult for me to accept that 'it is part of God's plan'. I know it is but that doesnt mean I want to hear it. The battle I have raging war inside my mind is close to causing me whiplash from trying to focus on both sides of the issue. 

I believe whole heartedly that losing my twins was part of God's perfect plan for me and my husband. When the ultrasound tech stopped mid ultrasoud said she had found something concerning and went to get the doctor the only thought running through my mind was "God Your will be done', over and over I repeated that to myself until finally the doctor came in and confirmed our unsaid fears. What an act of surrender that was for me to give that control of my babies to Him. (like I had any control in the first place). So yes I completely believe God had planned for us to lose them. 

Does it hurt any less? NO. I am devestated and quite honestly still angry at God for doing this to us. There  are people out there that choose to kill their unborn children. And there are people out there who have healthy children that want nothing to do with them. But Zach and I so desperatly wanted our babies. It is not fair that we didnt get the chance to have them. SO yes I am furious that God would do this to us and yes it is selfish of me and that is my cross to bare. But do I also understand He loves me despite my anger and despite me doubting His plan. Yes I know that He does. 

I never wanted to be so intimate with death. But now that I have been I pray with all of my heart that God's plan is to use me to help those who are lost. I want to be used by God to fulfill any plan that He has for me. And yes I can still do that while I am grieving.